Bottle or breast?

I know what all the experts say is best. And I am trying. But after Ben's two-week check-up, the concern about his weight and my concern for my sanity I really don't know what is best for us anymore. I had Nick between two and four weeks early, before I could take a class on nursing. I was unprepared and never really committed to nursing him so I was happy to make it four or five weeks with him. When Zander was born I was prepared and ready to nurse/pump for as long as possible. We made it ten months and didn't start supplementing with formula until eight months or so when my supply dwindled because of inconsistent pumping at work. My goal was the same for Ben.

But, life with three little ones is stressful and all the studies show that stress can take a toll on your milk supply. So does my inability/lack of desire for consuming what feels like an ocean of water every day. I do my best, and sometimes I do OK, but it really doesn't seem to matter. I just can't get my supply to be where it needs to be to satisfy Ben's appetite. So ... after realizing that the reason he wasn't falling asleep at night was hunger (he conked out for four hours after one formula bottle at 10 p.m.) and wanting to ensure his weight gain is enough to satisfy the doctor I've decided to exclusively pump for right now to ensure he is getting all he needs (about four ounces every two to three hours during the day).

I hate pumping. I always have, even with Zander. So now, instead of being tied to the couch nursing for 30 to 45 minutes every two to three hours I am feeding him a bottle on that same schedule and pumping every two hours (when I am home and the older boys will allow it). And it is because of all of this that I am ready to throw in the towel. I hate pumping (did I say that already?). But, I hate the idea of giving up more. So every day I go back and forth in my head about what to do. On the good days, when I am keeping up with his need and the boys are at daycare, I think I can do it. Then, on days when the boys are home or we have doctor appointments and errands to run, I wonder why I even bother. Mentally and emotionally this topic is draining me. I've cried. I've lashed out at Mike and the boys because I am constantly consumed by this. And reading all of this I wonder why I even bother. But I know why.


Because when it works it makes all those headaches worth it. My goal now is to get through the next two weeks until the next doctor's appointment. At that point I will reasses based on his weight and my mental status.